Blushing Virgin

‘American Idol’ season 8 premieres

Surely by now, you’ve heard all about all the changes afoot on this season of American Idol, the eighth. Among them, there is a new judge, Kara DioGuardi, there will be fewer audition shows (thank goodness — my discomfort with these is well documented), and we’ll see more Hollywood round and end up with 36 instead of 24 semifinalists.

But hey, it’s starting right now, so let’s see how it all plays out, shall we?

The episode starts out with an Idol favorite — the montage! Scary auditioners, finalists, winners, surprises, someone throwing water on Simon Cowell, even a glimpse of Dunkelman. And it’s followed by … another montage, this one of what we’ll be seeing this season. Then after the break … auditions in Phoenix. …

Guess what? It was hot in Arizona. And it was where Kara DioGuardi started her new job as a judge. By the way, she is a songwriter and has worked with a bunch of stars in the studio.

Jimmy walker

First up is Tuan Nguyen, who is going to do tapping and “drill-style dancing” at his audition. He sings “The Way You Make Me Feel,” doing a full-on MJ impression with all the tics and grabbing himself and so on. Oh, and the singing is bad. New judge Kara’s first verdict: “I’ve never seen anything like that, in a not-so-good way.” Hey, some honesty! This could be refreshing. And he is out.

Emily Wynn-Hughes is a woman whose mother gave up a career as a singer to be a better mom, but her past clearly inspired her daughter. Emily got a bunch of tattoos, so she “wouldn’t have to work an office job.” She sings “Barracuda,” and she nails it. Paula says she’s “top five.” Top five what? She tells them she is basically turning her back on her band, which is going to have to give up on a European tour if she goes to Hollywood. Which she totally does. She says, “It just feels like a confirmation of everything I’ve believed since I was a little kid.” Hmm, perhaps I can still be a ballerina! Nah …

Randy Madden calls himself “a rock star living in a box.” Oh, this should be rich. Pre-audition, he tears up talking about how he just wants someone to tell him he’s great. And in another clip he says, “This is going to change my life tremensely.” (Tremendously or immensely? It’s both!) In the audition, he brings out the “rock star in a box” line again and sings “Livin’ on a Prayer.” It’s boring. He cries. Paula flips Simon off during the judging, which is the most interesting moment of the audition, and that’s not saying much. I hope this was a put-on, that he was trying to be “the crying rocker guy” and that wasn’t really him.

J.B. Ahfua sings for the judges, no backstory, just a good voice — and a unanimous yes vote. He cries afterward, and it comedy movies seems very real (*cough* unlike what preceded it *cough*).

Michael Gurr is terrified, sweating, shaking, nauseated. This is going to be bad. And it is bad, incomprehensible, weird. They ask what his second song was going to be, and it was a Kara DioGuardi song. They insist he sing again, and it’s bad, incomprehensible, weird. He’s so overwhelmed that he needs some medical attention.

Will Kunick sings Tears for Fears’ “Mad World,” sort of. D.J. Bradley attempts a Celine song, sort of. Shawn Vasquez takes on a Dionne Warwick tune, sort of. Most of the embarrassing auditions are mercifully short. Yay!

Aundre Carraway is going to sing his own song, which is never a good sign. It’s called “Cactus Baby,” and there’s odd dancing, yodeling and a whole lot of no. Security has to loom to get him out of there.

Arianna Afsar is 16 and started singing when she was 6. She’s also the founder of “Adopt-a-Grandfriend,” in which teens visit older folks in senior homes and perform crime movies for them and spend time with them. Awww. She sings “Put Your Records On,” and yay, she is good. Unanimous yes.

“Nine others” got through to Hollywood day one in Phoenix. Does that mean nine more than those we saw, nine others besides Arianna? Who can tell?

Phoenix, day two.

Elijah Scarlett has a really deep voice. Simon doesn’t seem to buy that it’s his real voice. He doesn’t say anything, but there is this look on his face. Well, then he says he is “not hopeful.” And he shouldn’t be, becaue Elijah is not phenomenal.

Pink cowboy hat girl Lea Marie Golde, who is 16, calls herself a cross between Madonna and Hilary Duff. And “Kara DioGuardi’s biggest fan.” She has written a ton of songs, “over a hundred,” which she is carrying in a pink bin …